Cancer... Such a small word..

So I was on my way to get Ayden from school the other day and I get a call from my doctor office, sayting that they thought I might have cancer and they need to run some more test.. Fist off, who calls and tells someone that? I mean you could have at least called me in your office.. So thanks for that.. lol I made my appointment and started the ''Am I going to die'' thinking.. I NEVER thought this would be me.. And All I could think about was my children and my husband and who my husband would marry, and if she would be a good mom...
  I was thinking about when I was watching Sister Wives the other day and they were talking about if they died they would have a back up mom.. lol I was thinking about that too.. It took me a couple of hours to let my husband know.. and even though we were in the same house I text him, how nice is that! lol I knew that if I said it out loud I might cry... So I didn't. I just keep praying that the lord wouldn't take me away from the people that I needed... and that needed me. He wouldn't right? that's what I keep telling my self. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It's how we take it, is what matters.

Who am I?!? Who knows....

  I can't go to sleep and I have a lot on my mind. So here I go, I used to always think that I thought to much of people, because I always saw the best in them. I knew that they could do good, I just enabled them to do the opposite, or ''fix'' themselves. I think it's because it's easier to have broken people in your life, if you are broken as well. I hate that I spend my whole childhood not thinking about my self. I'm glad I helped people out. But I'm pretty sure that I would have focused more on school and not so much on them. Do NOT get me wrong I am so blessed today, but what I had to go through to get here was not any fun. I also hate that nobody besides my husband really knows ''me''. I hate that I never show feelings about things. I'm pretty sure I'm adopted.. lol I say that because my family is so lovey lovey and I'm really not. I mean I am with my husband and children but not so much other people. I Hate that I always ALWAYS think the worst about almost every situation. I hate that before my husband came along that I was almost 100% right about the bad things that were going to happen. I hate that it's hard for me to take a compliment! I hate that I don't make more time to do crafts with my children. I hate that I forget to think heavenly father as much as I should. I hate that I'm not closer to my family.

  Now that I got most of the ''I hates'' out of me, I will tell you that no matter how negative I am today. I'm going to be that much more positive tomorrow. I have let people take my happiness and I am taking it back. My family deserve me and the happy me. Not the negative one. :) I think that I thought that I didn't deserve to be happy. Or that I wasn't good enough. But not anymore. Why would you spend your life unhappy? So I am NOT anymore. I'm going to be the best me I can be. I will not let others bring me down!

Today is the first day of the rest of my happy life... Or something like that. lol <3